What about self-acceptance?

How can I accept something I want to change?

I recently received this question due to the contradiction between all those motivational quotes about becoming the best version of ourselves and unconditional acceptance.

Now what? Should I work on myself? Or should I accept myself as I am?

First of all, I must admit that the term ‘working on myself’ is not close to me at all, especially since I started using the Completion Process (2014) and met my inner child (about a year later). Because when you get to know your inner child and many of your child aspects who once experienced trauma, the idea of “working on yourself” seems to be cruel.

Let me give you an example.

Let’s say I decide to lose weight because I don’t like my overweight. So I completely change my diet and start exercising, even if it doesn’t make me happy. But I function upon my decision to work on myself even though it does not align with my inner self. It may bring some results at first, but I very much doubt its long-term effects.

Why?

Because I have decided to work on myself to fix something, I have sent a message to myself that I’m not OK the way I am. And when I say this to myself, I actually say it to my inner child. How do you think will a small child react when you tell them they’re not OK? When you tell them they need to be fixed, at least this one aspect of you will resist your idea of losing weight, making it quite difficult.

So if I’m going to work on myself because I think I’m not OK as I am, at least one part of myself will rebel against my endeavour.

Therefore, it is time to invite unconditional acceptance. To continue with the example of weight loss: First of all, it is important to accept the fact that there is a good reason for my current weight. There certainly is at least one part of me wanting to be like this. That part (or those parts) of me needs to be accepted, not rejected. That part of me needs to feel my love. That part of me wants to be unconditionally accepted.

So when I unconditionally accept my part that wants to be overweight, I’m willing to listen to her worries and desires. I’m ready to fulfil her needs. And when we are on the same page, it’s a good starting point to make any change.

Similarly, when I feel uncomfortable emotion, first of all, I need to accept it as valid. There is always a reason for every emotion, regardless of whether I know it or not. So once I feel an emotion, it is definitely valid, and I have to accept myself with this emotion. I have to love and accept myself even when I am frustrated, desperate, sad, or something like that.

Self-acceptance does not mean that I have given up.

Self-acceptance does not mean that I will remain overweight forever. Or that I want to stay immersed in grief, frustration and despair forever. Not at all.

Self-acceptance, if truly authentic, allows me real healing. When I give unconditional attention, presence, acceptance, love to any part of my being, I take it back as part of myself. I don’t reject that aspect anymore. We’re already on the same page. And this creates a safe space to move a little further.

So this is my answer to the question, “How do I accept something unconditionally if I want it to change?”.

Unconditional acceptance does not mean that nothing will change. Instead, unconditional acceptance is the first step to change. Without acceptance, the change occurs only from the outside without a long-term effect.

Thus, self-acceptance does not contrast with change. On the contrary, it is an essential part of it.

Photo: C. Valdez, unsplash.com